Eat my cookies
by FreddysNightmare1984
Summary: this is my version of the 'Eat my cookies' episode. contains Ren/Rita


**HEYO! i've had this idea in my head for a while now, and it's finally become a reality! i decided to rewrite old Ren and Stimpy epsidoes with Rita added in. i couldn't resist, i thought it would be fun. this is the first of what i hope to be many, so do let me know if you'd like me to add Rita in another episode. i'll even take requests if someone wants to see her in a certain episode. i hope you enjoy!**

**DISCLAIMER: i _DO NOT_ own The Ren and Stimpy Show or any of it's characters. i also don't own this storyline, only the tiny bits that i added in with Rita. and she is the only character i own**

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><p>Ren sighed, glad they finally got to the campsite. Rita was really starting to get on his nerves with her constant chanting of, "cookies! cookies! cookies!" he, Rita, and Stimpy entered the cabin where they would be staying.<p>

"My dream has finally come true!" Stimpy said dreamily. "Boot camp!"

"Say now, this isn't bad!" Ren said, looking around.

"RRRreeennnn, where are the cookies?" Rita whined. "You said there'd be cookies!"

Ren sighed. "There will be Rita, don't worry about it. But right now, we've got it made! A dry cot, and all the cream dipped beef we can eat!"

"Forget that, man!" Rita said. "I'm in it for the _cookies!_"

Ren sighed. "Guys, this is the good life"

"It _would_ be if we had some dang…"

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THE COOKIES ALREADY!" Ren yelled, facepalming. "I'm getting sick of hearing about it!"

Rita gasped. "_LIAR!_" she yelled.

Ren blinked. "What are you talking about?" he sneered.

"You _LIED_ to me Ren! There _are_ no cookies, are there? What else have you lied to me about, huh? I BET YOU DON'T EVEN LOVE MMMEEEEE!"

Ren facepalmed again. "_Rita_" he sneered. "Would you kindly shut up before I have to…!"

the door of the cabin opened just then, and the scout leader came inside, two more scouts behind her. "Well, lookie what we have here ladies" the scout leader said. "We got us some new recruits!"

Stimpy saluted her. "Cadet Stimpson J. Cat reporting for duty sir!"

Ren nodded. "Okay, okay, cut the crap. When do we have chow, I'm starved"

Rita nodded too. "And what about THE COOKIES!"

"Looks like we've got some live ones here" the scout leader said, snickering. She walked over by the trio. "Yep. We's gonna get real close and buddy like"

Rita narrowed her eyes. "You'd better not get _too_ close to my Renny Wenny"

Ren groaned, rolling his eyes.

The leader laughed. "Relax girly, I'm not interested in your little boyfriend. We're all gonna be like one, big, happy family!" she grinned. "But first ya gotta pass a few _tests_"

Rita's eyes widened. "Tests? No one said there'd be a test, I DIDN'T STUDY!"

"It's not _that_ kind of test!" the scout leader snapped. "You gotta earn some _BADGES!_" she got right in their faces.

Stimpy grinned. "Badges!"

"Lots of _MERIT BADGES!_" the leader yelled. "Then maybe, _JUST MAYBE_, you'll be one of us"

"I LIKE TO YELL TOO!" Rita yelled, giggling.

The scout leader blinked. "So, you think you ladies got the gall to earn your first badge? Are you tough enough to sell…" she pulled back a curtain to reveal hundreds of boxes of cookies. "… BARRETTE BARET GIRL COOKIES?"

Stinpy and Rita went O.O

"_oh!_" Stimpy gasped. "It's _beautiful!_"

"You can say that again Stimps" Rita said dreamily.

"Every spring, Barrette Baret Girls worldwide haunt storefronts and parking lots to sell their Honey Charges!" Stimpy said dreamily, his eyes wide.

"COOKIES FOR ME!" Rita yelled.

The scout leader grabbed her. "Eh eh eh, not so fast. THESE AREN'T FOR _YOU!_"

Rita glared at her. "_hmph!_" she folded her arms across her chest.

"If you manage to sell all these cookies, as a reward you get…"

"A cookie?" Rita guessed.

"_NO!_" the leader facepalmed. "You get UNTIL MIDNIGHT TO SELL ALL THESE COOKIES, OR PAY THE PENALTY!" she turned and stomped off, leaving the three friends alone.

"Oh boy!" Stimpy said excitedly. Ren growled, punching him in the face.

...

"Ugh, THIS _SUCKS!_" Rita yelled. She, Ren, and Stimpy were at a Barrette Baret Girl cookie stand out in the middle of the desert.

Ren growled. "Why do the new girls always get the worst territory? We'll _never_ sell any cookies way out here!"

"We could sell them to Billy!" Rita said.

Ren blinked. "Who the heck is Billy?" there was a hint of jealousy in his voice.

Rita pointed. Ren looked and saw… a cactus. He facepalmed. "Rita, that's just a cactus!"

"Don't talk about Billy that way!" Rita said. She dropped her voice to a whisper. "He's _sensitive_"

Ren growled. "This is going to be a _long_ day"

What seemed like hours passed, and no one came along to buy any cookies. Soon, Stimpy's stomach started growling. "RRReeennn" Stimpy whined. "I'm _hungry_"

Rita nodded. "Me too! We need food Renny Wenny!"

Ren just kept tapping his finger against the table. "_Here_, eat some of your stinky old cookies"

"EEEE!" Rita squealed, snatching the box from him. "_FOOD!_" she yelled, shoving the box over her head, gnawing at the cookies inside.

Stimpy shook his head. "Oh no Ren! A Barrette Baret Girl must never taste her own cookies!" he snatched the box off Rita's head.

She gasped and hissed at him, grabbing the box back. _**"MINE!"**_ she yelled, shoving the box back over her head. Ren couldn't help but snicker at that.

"I, Stimpson J. Cat…" Stimpy started, holding up his hand. "… promise that, MMPH!" Ren shoved a box of cookies into his mouth.

Pretty soon, all the boxes were empty. Ren, Rita, and Stimpy laid up against the cookie stand, asleep, full and content, their stomachs swollen from all the cookies. Rita sighed and snuggled closer to Ren, her arm draping across his chest. He smiled in his sleep. The sound of an approaching vehicle awoke them. "Ugh, _the heck_, man?" Rita groaned. "Can't that dude tell we're trying to sleep here!" Ren and Stimpy quickly got back behind the stand. Ren pulled Rita along with him.

a long black limo pulled up in front of the stand. The window rolled down and a man stuck his huge head out. "Cookies, eh?" he said, observing the stand. Ren, Rita, and Stimpy nodded. "Okay, gimme a box. Here's $5"

Ren grinned and reached for the bill, but Stimpy suddenly grabbed his hand. "No, wait Ren, remember, we ate all the…"

Ren clapped his hand over the Manx cat's mouth. "Shut _up!_" he sneered, laughing nervously as he turned to the man. "Uh, heheh" the trio walked over by a cactus.

Rita waved at it. "Hiya Billy!"

Ren rolled his eyes. "What are we going to do? We can't sell empty boxes" he glared at Stimpy. "This is _your_ fault! You… _STUPID_, _FAT_, _SOW!_" he slapped him with every word. In anger, he grabbed a cactus. "Here pig boy, gnaw on _this!_"

Rita gasped. "BILLY, _NO!_" she snatched the cactus from him.

"Wait a minute!" Stimpy said. "We can fill the boxes with cactuses!"

Rita gasped. "Billy's family?"

Ren growled. "No Rita, only the _bad_ cactuses" he rolled his eyes.

"ooohhh" Rita nodded. "Okay! That makes sense"

"Ugh" Ren facepalmed. "How did I end up with a psycho for a girlfriend?"

A little while later, the man was chewing one of the "cookies". Ren, Rita, and Stimpy watched him nervously. Several seconds went by. "Well, what do you think? SAY SOMETHING, MAN!" Rita yelled.

The man looked at them. "They're delicious" he grabbed a wad of cash and waved it at them. "I'll take all ya got" Stimpy got a truck and unloaded all the cactuses into the man's limo. "Thanks a lot!" the man called as he drove away.

Rita grinned. "heheh, _sucker!_"

Ren smiled, flipping through the money. "Man, who would've ever thought that being a woman could be so profitable?"

Rita went O.O "YOU'RE A _WOMAN?_"

...

Back at the camp, Ren went into the cabin to find Stimpy and Rita jumping on Stimpy's bed. The grey raccoon's eyes lit up as soon as she saw her boyfriend. "Hi Ren!" she called. "OOF!" she fell off the bed to the floor.

Stimpy grinned. "Did you have fun playing with the other girls?" he asked Ren.

"Yeah, sure, I had _loads_ of fun" Ren grumbled sarcastically.

Rita gasped, jumping up. "_Other girls!_" she got in Ren's face. "There's more then one? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN GOING BEHIND MY BACK REN HOEK?"

Ren growled again. "I AM _NOT_ CHEATING ON YOU!" he yelled.

Stimpy grinned. "Hey, I know guys!" he said, getting down from his bunk. "We can have lots of fun earning merit badges!" he showed them the Merit badge book.

Ren glared at him. "Give me that stupid book!" he snatched it from him.

"He's right you know"

Rita squeaked. "MONSTER!" she yelled, getting behind Ren.

The trio turned and saw the scout leader stretched out on one of the bunks. "And I know the funnest badge of them all. But it ain't gonna be easy. It's a rare Baret cadet that can earn _this_ badge"

"Ooh, what is it?" Rita asked.

"You must go alone… into the woods… it's… the snipe hunting badge!"

'Golly!" Stimpy breathed.

"Sounds fun!" Rita said, giggling.

"Snipe hunting" Stimpy said in a hypnotized-like voice.

Ren slapped him. "Snap out of it, man! Don't you two dopes see what their game is? There's no such thing as snipes. It's a practical joke!"

"It's okay" the scout leader said, getting up and heading for the door. "We'll go hunting without ya. Eh, it's a pity though. It's an awful pretty badge"

Ren narrowed his eyes at her, putting his arm around Rita. "Boy, you must think we're _really_ stupid! A guy would have to be brain dead to fall for that old chestnut"

Stimpy grinned. "I WANT THAT SNIPE BADGE, I WANT THAT SNIPE BADGE!" he yelled, shaking Ren. Then he dropped him and ran off after the scout leader and the other girls. "Hey, wait up!"

Ren growled. "Well, _you're_ with me, right Baby?" he said, turning to Rita.

She blinked. "b-but Renny… it's so… _SHINEY!_"

Ren sighed. "_Fine_, _go_ then!"

Rita squealed and hugged him. "Bye Ren!" she gave him a big kiss, then ran off after the others.

Ren sighed, grumbling to himself as he watched his best friend and his girlfriend run off. "_Idiots_" he mumbled.

...

The next morning, Ren was packing his suitcase. He made up his mind that he didn't want to stay at the camp any longer. "Just as I thought" he grumbled to himself as he was packing the last of his things. "No Stimpy, and no Rita" he growled. "Badges, snipes, _PHOOEY!_" he punched his luggage with each word. "Well I've _had it!_" he grabbed his suitcase and stomped toward the door. "Cookies, _shmookies!_" just as he grabbed the door handle, the door swung open.

"RENNY!" Rita called.

"Ren, we caught one, we caught one!" Stimpy sang.

Rita blinked, looking around the cabin. "Ren?" the door swung closed, revealing Ren crushed behind it. "Oh _there_ you are Honey!" Rita squealed, hugging him.

"What are you two going on about?" Ren growled, trying to act like he wasn't pleased to see his girlfriend. He narrowed his eyes at them. "_What_ did you catch?"

Rita rolled her eyes.

"Why a _snipe_ of course!" Stimpy said proudly, holding up a little bag.

"You should've been there Ren, you would have been so proud of me!" Rita squealed. "That snipe put up a fight, but I beat him, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Ren folded his arms across his chest, shaking his head. "Eh, there's no such thing. They made it up" suddenly the bag opened to reveal a hideous creature that immediately grabbed Ren and started pounding on him.

...

Stimpy and Rita stood proudly as they accepted their Snipe Hunting Badges. "We are _AWESOME!_" Rita yelled. She and Stimpy giggled, hugging each other. Ren was sitting nearby, frowning at them. He felt tears welling up in his eyes, disappointed that he didn't have any badge.

"psst! Down here" a voice said. Ren went O.O, looking down at the rock in front of him. "I've got something for ya" the scout leader said, popping out from beneath the rock. "It's the _special_ Barrette Baret Girl handbook"

Ren looked down at the book, reading the title out loud. "How to earn extra easy merit badges" he grinned. "_Hey!_ This is my ticket to easy street!"

...

"Okay Ren, see this X?" Stimpy asked, pointing to an X on the ground.

"_I_ made that!" Rita said proudly, grinning.

"Uh, good for you Babe" Ren mumbled.

"The book says that we're supposed to stand here" Stimpy read, pointing to the X. Ren and Rita moved to stand on it.

"That was easy" Ren said. "Now what?"

"Well" Stimpy looked at the book. "Now we're supposed to take one step forward" they all walked forward one step.

"This is easy" Ren said.

Rita nodded. "Heck yeah! Say Stimpy, what badge are we earning anyway?"

"Flying!" Stimpy said, smirking.

Rita gasped. "_Seriously!_ NO _WAY!_" she laughed just as the three of them started falling.

"Hey look guys" Stimpy said as the fell. He was still reading the book. "We're earning _another_ badge! The Falling on Jagged Rocks Badge!"

"Ooh, my cousin got that one once!" Rita said, laughing again.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Ren screamed as they fell… right onto the jagged rocks. They immediately got their badges.

"This is _fun!_" Rita laughed, wincing in pain. "Do we get our Emergency Room Badges now?"

...

"Hmm, let's see" Ren said, checking the handbook to see what badges were next. "There's drowning…"

They went to the beach and swam underwater, their unconscious bodies eventually drifting onto the beach where crabs were crawling around.

...

"…collecting badger eggs…"

The trio went to a tree. Stimpy and Rita hoisted Ren up where he quickly grabbed some eggs out of a badger nest… only to be bitten on the hand by the angry badger. The three of them took off running, pelted by eggs the badger threw at them. "So, you want my eggs, eh?" the badger yelled. "Well be my _guest!_" he continued throwing eggs at them.

"MAKE SURE THEY'RE SCRAMBLED NEXT TIME!" Rita yelled.

"SHUT UP AND _RUN_, WOMAN!" Ren yelled, grabbing her arm.

...

"… and _finally_, the Bravery In The Face Of Certain Doom Badge"

"TA-DA!" Ren called, popping out of a cooler full of meat… right in the middle of a meeting at Elk Bear Lodge. The bears immediately pummeled him.

Stimpy and Rita were standing outside. "I really ought to renew my membership with this lodge" Rita said thoughtfully.

...

Finally, the trio had their last badge. By then, Ren had a cast on his arm.

That night, Ren, Rita, Stimpy, and the rest of the Barrette Baret Girls were sitting around a campfire. Rita had Billy the cactus sitting on the ground beside her. "_So_, ya earned all the badges in the book? Heh. Now you earned the right to learn all the Barrette Baret Girl secrets" the scout leader said. she grabbed her face and pulled… to reveal that she was an old man in disguise. The other Barrette Baret Girls did the same thing.

Ren and Rita went O.O

Stimpy grinned and unzipped his skin to reveal that he was an old an as well. Ren and Rita looked at each other. "Oh well" Ren said, shrugging. "When in Rome" he took off his skin to reveal… his skeleton.

Rita gasped, looking around at the others. "All right, all right" she said, taking off her skin to reveal… herself. She looked exactly the same. They all looked at each other and laughed.

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><p><strong>no, i don't completely understand the ending of that episode either, if someone could explain it to me, please do. and i hope you enjoyed this and <em>PLEASE<em> review and be sure to let me know if you want to see Rita in any more episodes. thanx!**

**-FreddysNightmare1984**


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